A friend of mine recently shared some exciting yet shocking news. It's exciting because she's happy, and those of us who know are happy for her. What makes it shocking is that she's kept this part of her life a secret from everyone for a very long time.
While I understand that those who are much closer to her were upset about her ability to keep such a secret from them, I also understand why she did it.
I've made some pretty major decisions in the past and have only let people know well after my mind was made up and plans were in motion.
Why We Withhold from People We Love
One of the things that makes adulthood so difficult is that we are forced to make decisions daily. Sometimes we have an abundance of information to guide us, and other times we have only emotions and opinions. Decisions influenced by the latter tend to be the ones we guard fiercely because they are most likely to invite judgement and criticism.
This is where a lot of internal conflict happens. This is also where we do our best to prevent it from spilling over into our friendships. This internal conflict exists because we know how we feel, and while we may be able to communicate those feelings, there's nothing we can do to make our friends share the same experience.
In the absence of this shared experience, we are often left weighing our feelings, desires, and emotions against what we know their opinions are or will be.
We sometimes withhold major details because it's part of our faith journey. God is not big on details. Sometimes, I think He thinks they're irrelevant. What He is big on is us taking Him at His word and allowing what He's said to be enough. This part of maturing spiritually becomes very important, especially when the here and now look nothing like what He's said.
Unfortunately, the here and now is often all the people around us see, and it's what determines how they judge our choices.
In these instances, all we have as proof that we're making the right decision is His peace. When it's you and God, peace is not a community experience; it's personal and individual. He doesn't need the people around you to agree with you or to validate this peace or what He's said. I feel like someone needed to read that.
These are times when it's better to be like Mary in Luke 2:19, and simply ponder some things in our hearts.
Now, this may be a difficult thing to understand if you're the person from whom details were withheld. And I understand why it may have been upsetting, especially when you know you love your friends. The unfortunate reality, however, is that love may not be enough.
Love Does Not Automatically Create Safety
I know this is a bold statement, but truthfully, love doesn't automatically create safety. Many of us are aware that our parents love us. However, many of us in the past may not have felt safe, sharing some of the details of our lives with them. The same is true of our friendships.
An attitude steeped in offence easily sees the person withholding as being sneaky, secretive, or deceitful. After all, you love your friends, you show up for them whenever they need you, and you are always willing to help whenever and wherever you can. Yes, all of these are examples of love in action.
Safety in action, however, has more to do with who you are than what you're able to do. Many of the things we do for the people we love are driven by good intentions. How we do them is determined by our nature. You may think asking a million questions immediately after being told something heavy helps you understand so that you can give good advice. I mean, good advice is what friends share, right? Yes and no.
In moments of vulnerability, the last thing someone cares about is your understanding and the last thing they need is your advice. Yes, you want only what's best for your friends, but your natural way of communicating that is often what leads to isolation.
Think about it. You're already battling with something heavy, good or bad. Being immediately met with a barrage of questions does one of two things: it makes you second-guess a decision that you were once confident about or delays your ability to decide because anxiety has been introduced.
It's ok to be concerned. It's not ok to express that concern through interrogation or harsh criticism. Good intentions are not an excuse to be reckless with your words because those effects aren't easily erased.
How Do People Experience Us When They Share?
What our friends know to be true about us is largely based on how they've experienced us. These same truths determine whether or not they invite us into their moments of vulnerability.
Do we embody James 1:19, being quick to listen and slow to speak, or do we display the foolishness Proverbs 18:13 points out by answering before we have fully and truly listened? According to Proverbs 12:18, do our words injure or bring healing? Do we recognize that, as Ecclesiastes 3:7 teaches, there is a time to speak and a time to remain silent? And when we do speak, are our words full of grace as Colossians 4:6 instructs?
Even when we are asked for our advice or our opinions, how do we communicate them? Do we use "just keeping it real" as permission to speak without gentleness, or do we follow Ephesians 4:15 and speak the truth in love?
The Word is clear on how we are to communicate with each other, and its advice is not about keeping or breaking rules or even heaven or hell. The advice the Word of God provides is for establishing and preserving friendships and relationships because these are the primary vehicles God uses to express His love to all of us.
It's easy to believe we're safe because we love genuinely and truly want what's best for those around us. But again, safety isn't determined by our intentions.
This doesn't mean that you have failed as a friend every time a friend has decided to withhold something from you. The truth is that some things require time, discernment, and, yes, privacy. Sometimes your friends need time to ground themselves in what they believe before exposing it to other people's opinions.
The question may not always be, "Why didn't they tell me?" Sometimes, the reflection is, "What have my previous responses taught them to expect from me?"
Becoming a safe space does not require us to abandon wisdom, truth, or even concern. It requires us to love with all three through grace.