Earlier this week, my husband and I had a very passionate conversation about some projects I was working on. Our dynamic is an interesting one that definitely requires grace on both sides. I'm both his wife and his employee, and that can blur the lines.
There have been some instances in the past nine years I've worked with him where he's permitted me to make decisions even though he knew the consequences would be unpleasant. One of the things I truly appreciate about him is that even when the very thing he predicted inevitably happened, there was never an "I told you so" moment. Grace.
This past week, a project wasn't executed to the standard the company maintains, and as head of Marketing, it fell at my feet. While he was more than gracious in his approach, my defenses were up, and I went into attack mode. I rebutted every point he made until I ran out of points. We eventually agreed to disagree on a few things but also agreed not to allow this passionate discussion to cause us to go to bed angry. This is something we've been intentional about for years, so it wasn't difficult.
We went to bed, and at about 3:00 a.m., my eyes popped open, and I was mad all over again. I cannot tell you what annoyed me. But I replayed every part of our discussion and picked it apart for the better part of two hours. I tossed and turned, became miserable, and eventually chose to pray. Immediately upon praying, Philippians 4:8-9 came to mind, and my thoughts began shifting.
When Our Emotions Begin Telling a Different Story
Clear communication is a pillar of any successful relationship or friendship, but equally, so is clear understanding. The challenge with negative thinking is that what you hear is often filtered through internal voices that are actively searching for evidence to justify how you already feel.
Our pattern of thinking often trains these internal voices to latch onto words and thoughts that fuel bitterness and resentment. Once they have a solid hold, it becomes difficult to break free.
I think this is why the Holy Spirit promptly dropped those verses into my spirit and mind once I practically cried out for help. While this was no quick fix, focusing on those verses definitely helped me stop spiraling.
I think the most fitting translation of Philippians 4:8-9 is The Passion Translation. In these verses, Paul says, "Keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable, and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising Him always. Put into practice the example of all that you have heard from me or seen in my life, and the God of peace will be with you in all things."
Replacing Exaggeration with What Is True
I believe God intended this verse to rescue us when we're battling internal thoughts by replacing what we've exaggerated with what is real.
Whether our negative thoughts are triggered by a disagreement, an insecurity, or some other factor, one of the first things I've found important to do is determine what is real, not what was implied or inferred or suspected.
Our emotions are the ultimate hypemen, and because they are rogue, they will inflate or minimize whatever is needed to get them in the position of complete control. The search for truth allows you to arrest them before they do.
There are occasions when just doing this sobers you, and if you're like me, you're amazed at just how far your emotions were dragging you from the truth.
Being part of a community has tremendous benefits, but it can also be very difficult. True community allows the people you trust to tell you the truth even when it's uncomfortable, without finding ways to disprove this truth by discrediting their character.
It's easy to love everything about a person's character and personality when they make you feel good about yourself. It's equally as easy, if not more, to find fault with the same personality and character when they tell you an uncomfortable truth.
Paul's admonishment to focus on the honorable things, the admirable, beautiful, and respectful things, again helps to put those rogue emotions in check. The people who feel the most comfortable telling you the truth are often the people who have earned your trust by the way they've lived.
Trusting the messenger doesn't mean the truth of the message is any less painful (keeping in mind that we are to speak the truth in love). It means we receive it, choosing to focus on the admirable, beautiful, and pure things that under any other circumstance would endear them to us.
Practicing Peace Before We Need It
There are and will be times when the above doesn't feel like enough to bring you relief from the mental turmoil. It doesn't mean that God's word has failed or isn't strong enough. It sometimes means that our emotions have run unchecked for so long that confirmation bias has taken root.
In times like these, Paul's instruction to "fasten our thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising Him always" becomes our weapon. Reflecting on who He is, His character, and His love for you brings truth into focus. Sometimes doing this feels very abstract, and when it does, recount the ways He's been good to you.
Think about the times and ways He's protected you, provided for you, healed you, restored you, given you more than you deserve (grace), and kept you from getting exactly what you did deserve (mercy).
These reflections are the things that elicit praise. It's difficult to praise and be angry, praise and be resentful, praise and be anxious, because praise removes us from the center of our world and puts Him there.
Once this shift happens, we realize that the God of peace is and will be with us in all things, and it's His peace that ultimately helps our minds to release the thoughts that pull us away from the truth.
As I finally began to drift off to sleep, peace didn't come because my emotions suddenly changed but because I chose to practice what Paul instructed before my emotions could distort the truth any further.
Paul's instruction shouldn't be viewed as something we employ only when our thoughts begin to spiral. It's something we're meant to practice daily so that, when those thoughts do arise, we're already equipped to confront them with truth instead of being carried away by them.